Jon Dennis's blog

Crazy German cola ad from 1968

2010-08-02T03:53:00.000-07:00

Palace Puma: The Beast of SE19

2009-11-02T08:43:00.001-08:00

On August 8, the Dennis clan encountered a strange creature in woods off Church Road, near where we live. (This picture is an "artist's impression" from the Croydon Guardian - nothing to do with us!) I wrote this account of it for the Guardian's G2 section (they didn't use it in the end):

On Saturday afternoon, as a way of sweetening the grim reality of a trek to Homebase, I was walking with my wife Helen and two children, aged 10 and two, through some public woodland near our home in south-east London.

Suddenly our eldest boy stopped in his tracks. “What’s that?”

“God - it’s massive!” exclaimed my wife. Whatever it was disappeared into the bushes, then reappeared, and was now walking slinkily and confidently towards us.

We legged it. “Want to see the cat! Want to see the cat!” shouted the toddler, who’d been bundled back into his pushchair.
I didn’t get a good look at it, but the others said it was the size of a labrador.

As a journalist (I present the Guardian’s daily news podcast), I’m hugely sceptical of unconfirmed sightings of anything, let alone a wild animal a stone’s throw from my front doorstep. And I’m aware that during the silly season, news stories about big cats are right up there with crop circles and UFOs.

And yet ... after some deliberation we called the police, who took it seriously, and dispatched a team to search the woods.

A mile away, back in 2005, a man was mauled by a 5ft-long feline later nicknamed “the Beast of Sydenham”.

Shaun Stevens, a researcher for the investigative network Big Cats in Britain, says: “We get two or three a day reported to us. We’re getting reports from Lands End to John O’Groats.”

And in Crystal Palace?

“We’re getting regular sightings in that area of big black cats.

“It’s not impossible that it’s a black leopard, but there are thousands of designer cats out there, hybrids. Sleek creatures, about twice the size of a domestic cat.

Were we in danger?

“No. It doesn’t view us as prey. They live mainly on small mammals and game birds. The occasional deer or sheep.”

Still. We’re not going to Homebase again!

The Lovely Mrs Dennis began a discussion about the episode on the excellent community website Virtual Norwood, which then triggered a series of reports in the local press:

10.08.09, Croydon Guardian: 'Palace Puma' big cat spotted in Crystal Palace woodland

10.08.09, News Shopper: Mystery over 'Palace Puma' big cat sighting

12.08.09, News Shopper: CRYSTAL PALACE: Online debate hints at second puma sighting

12.08.09, Croydon Guardian: Second Crystal Palace puma sighting?

13.08.09, Totally Obviously (blog): A Puma in the Palace?

14.08.09, Transmitter (blog - do watch this video, it's hilarious): The Beast of SE19

20.08.09, Croydon Guardian: 'Crystal Palace Puma' is a panther, big cat expert says

07.09.09, News Shopper: CRYSTAL PALACE: Another 'Palace Puma' big cat sighting

15.09.09, Croydon Guardian: Crystal Palace 'big cat' may be dog

19.09.09, The Londonist: The Crystal Palace 'Puma'

09.06.10, Streatham Guardian: First summer sighting of Palace puma

Bovine satire

2009-04-15T09:32:00.000-07:00

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk..

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

Spotted on Ben Wegg-Prosser's blog.

Leicester's Charlotte to close

2009-01-18T03:22:00.000-08:00

I was greatly saddened to hear on Thursday of the imminent closure of one of the best rock venues in the country, Leicester's Charlotte.

I played there many, many times with Blab Happy, and with my later band Slinky. I saw some brilliant gigs there: The Go-Betweens, (Leicester's own) Crazyhead and Huge Big Massive, Blur, Supergrass (supported by The Bluetones), Alan Vega. I virtually lived there. There was a time when I could walk in there and guarantee I'd know someone I could have a drink with.

Then as now, the landlord was the Andy White, a smart bloke and a genuine music fan. I hope Leicester knows how lucky it was to have him.

Echoed by my pal Jeremy, the Blabs' drummer, who pays eloquent tribute in the Mercury.

Dave and Boris at the Bullingdon Club

2008-10-26T09:35:00.000-07:00

Lest we forget.

Chair-related hilarity

2008-10-26T04:56:00.000-07:00

There are laughs a-plenty when a South African MP's chair collapses mid-interview ...

Learn English

2008-10-21T02:56:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Richard Brown for this one ...

Bob Dylan, Kraftwerk and Joy Division

2008-10-15T03:47:00.000-07:00

Paul Lay's article on the Guardian's arts blog today puts brilliantly why the music of Bob Dylan, Kraftwerk and Joy Division endures.

I'm currently obsessing over Dylan. Even though I own about 20 albums (including all his official releases from the 1960s), and have considered myself a fan since my early teens, there are countless albums I'm still not familiar with. Listening to recent albums such as Love And Theft, it's striking how Dylan draws from a deep well of familiarity with American roots music.

Cooking With Testicles

2008-10-02T03:56:00.000-07:00

The Telegraph reports today: "A chef is publishing a book of recipes for cooking with testicles."

Tories Got Talent

2008-10-01T06:56:00.000-07:00

Meanwhile, in Birmingham ...

Tories Got Talent
7.30-9pm
Austin Court Hotel, 80 Cambridge Street
Freedom Zone
Compere: Iain Dale. Judges: Jonathan Isaby & Nadine Dorries
The Tory equivalent of Simon Cowell's Britain's Got Talent.

No talent, as The Lovely Mrs Dennis points out, for punctuation or grammar. At least "Britain's Got Talent" makes sense.

And anyway, isn't Britain's Got Talent Tory enough already?

Top 50 London Websites

2008-07-14T06:47:00.000-07:00

Time Out's guide to the top 50 London websites, which I reached via the ever-brilliant Going Underground.