Monday, 2 August 2010
Monday, 2 November 2009
Palace Puma: The Beast of SE19
On August 8, the Dennis clan encountered a strange creature in woods off Church Road, near where we live. (This picture is an "artist's impression" from the Croydon Guardian - nothing to do with us!) I wrote this account of it for the Guardian's G2 section (they didn't use it in the end):
On Saturday afternoon, as a way of sweetening the grim reality of a trek to Homebase, I was walking with my wife Helen and two children, aged 10 and two, through some public woodland near our home in south-east London.
Suddenly our eldest boy stopped in his tracks. “What’s that?”
“God - it’s massive!” exclaimed my wife. Whatever it was disappeared into the bushes, then reappeared, and was now walking slinkily and confidently towards us.
We legged it. “Want to see the cat! Want to see the cat!” shouted the toddler, who’d been bundled back into his pushchair.
I didn’t get a good look at it, but the others said it was the size of a labrador.
As a journalist (I present the Guardian’s daily news podcast), I’m hugely sceptical of unconfirmed sightings of anything, let alone a wild animal a stone’s throw from my front doorstep. And I’m aware that during the silly season, news stories about big cats are right up there with crop circles and UFOs.
And yet ... after some deliberation we called the police, who took it seriously, and dispatched a team to search the woods.
A mile away, back in 2005, a man was mauled by a 5ft-long feline later nicknamed “the Beast of Sydenham”.
Shaun Stevens, a researcher for the investigative network Big Cats in Britain, says: “We get two or three a day reported to us. We’re getting reports from Lands End to John O’Groats.”
And in Crystal Palace?
“We’re getting regular sightings in that area of big black cats.
“It’s not impossible that it’s a black leopard, but there are thousands of designer cats out there, hybrids. Sleek creatures, about twice the size of a domestic cat.
Were we in danger?
“No. It doesn’t view us as prey. They live mainly on small mammals and game birds. The occasional deer or sheep.”
Still. We’re not going to Homebase again!
The Lovely Mrs Dennis began a discussion about the episode on the excellent community website Virtual Norwood, which then triggered a series of reports in the local press:
10.08.09, Croydon Guardian: 'Palace Puma' big cat spotted in Crystal Palace woodland
10.08.09, News Shopper: Mystery over 'Palace Puma' big cat sighting
12.08.09, News Shopper: CRYSTAL PALACE: Online debate hints at second puma sighting
12.08.09, Croydon Guardian: Second Crystal Palace puma sighting?
13.08.09, Totally Obviously (blog): A Puma in the Palace?
14.08.09, Transmitter (blog - do watch this video, it's hilarious): The Beast of SE19
20.08.09, Croydon Guardian: 'Crystal Palace Puma' is a panther, big cat expert says
07.09.09, News Shopper: CRYSTAL PALACE: Another 'Palace Puma' big cat sighting
15.09.09, Croydon Guardian: Crystal Palace 'big cat' may be dog
19.09.09, The Londonist: The Crystal Palace 'Puma'
09.06.10, Streatham Guardian: First summer sighting of Palace puma
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
Bovine satire
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk..
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate
Spotted on Ben Wegg-Prosser's blog.
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk..
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate
Spotted on Ben Wegg-Prosser's blog.
Sunday, 18 January 2009
Leicester's Charlotte to close
I was greatly saddened to hear on Thursday of the imminent closure of one of the best rock venues in the country, Leicester's Charlotte.
I played there many, many times with Blab Happy, and with my later band Slinky. I saw some brilliant gigs there: The Go-Betweens, (Leicester's own) Crazyhead and Huge Big Massive, Blur, Supergrass (supported by The Bluetones), Alan Vega. I virtually lived there. There was a time when I could walk in there and guarantee I'd know someone I could have a drink with.
Then as now, the landlord was the Andy White, a smart bloke and a genuine music fan. I hope Leicester knows how lucky it was to have him.
Echoed by my pal Jeremy, the Blabs' drummer, who pays eloquent tribute in the Mercury.
I played there many, many times with Blab Happy, and with my later band Slinky. I saw some brilliant gigs there: The Go-Betweens, (Leicester's own) Crazyhead and Huge Big Massive, Blur, Supergrass (supported by The Bluetones), Alan Vega. I virtually lived there. There was a time when I could walk in there and guarantee I'd know someone I could have a drink with.
Then as now, the landlord was the Andy White, a smart bloke and a genuine music fan. I hope Leicester knows how lucky it was to have him.
Echoed by my pal Jeremy, the Blabs' drummer, who pays eloquent tribute in the Mercury.
Sunday, 26 October 2008
Chair-related hilarity
There are laughs a-plenty when a South African MP's chair collapses mid-interview ...
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
